Fat and Miserable

Yes. I am overweight. About 100 lbs overweight.
I've been overweight most of my entire life.
At some point, I was fed up with my weight and decided to do something about it. Well.....let's be honest, I was fed up for many "parts" of  my life, and I decided to attempt weight loss. Some attempts were more successful than others. I even lost a whopping 28 lbs on my own, embracing the Atkins diet. (Horrible diet! Don't do it.) After I lost the weight and got the attention I so desired, I got comfortable and decided to eat what I wanted. This resulted in an even bigger size.
Years pass by and I get older, all the while, gaining more weight. Around 30 years old, a doctor decides to tell me that I may be hypertensive. I rebuked that in Jesus' name and kept on trucking doing what I wanted, until the stress of life and my job resulted in abnormal heart palpitations. They ended up putting me on some meds for the palpitations which also lowered blood pressure. (Bystolic)
I took this for almost a year and finally took myself off, as well as the Klonopin. I felt and still feel like I don't need it. I detest taking medications. Pharmaceutical companies are not so much geared to HELP society, but to make money. At least in my opinion. So I stopped the meds, and a few years pass. I'm married and in love. My husband is an inactive type of guy, so my activity levels decreased. No, it's not his fault, but it's kinda hard to get active when all I want to do is SIT up under that man. I'm madly inlove and since he likes to sit around, I like to sit around with him and spend time with my hubby. Bad habits perhaps?
2013 was a great start. For some reason, I woke up and said no more! I started actively walking at the track down the street from our apartment, even going without my husband who thought of every excuse to stop me. Eventually, he came around because he could see I was losing weight. Since weighing myself and seeing a number really discourages me, I never weighed in. I don't know how much weight I lost, but it was enough to be noticeable. My eating habits had changed. I went completely vegan for a while, then changed my mind and went Semi-vegetarian only eating chicken and fish. This worked out great. Soon afterwards, I severely injured my back while running on the track and could not walk or stand for long periods of time. I couldn't walk for several months. And as the time went by, my enthusiasm slowly disappeared. I was angry and very hurt. It didn't seem fair. I was finally doing something about my weight but now what was I doing? Lying around and "healing". Overall, I quit. I just gave up. I kept saying I would go back and get started, complete my training for a marathon, but I haven't done it yet.
So I asked myself why.  Why do I keep doing this? Why do I keep running my mouth, crying about my weight and doing nothing about it? I've been doing this for 14 years.
The answer: I don't know.
I don't understand myself.

Overall....I'm miserable. I don't like the way I look. "So get up and do something about it!" Well ya know...it's not always that easy.
I feel bad. My thoracic spine is in extreme pain sometimes. For the past week I've been trying Yoga and seeing great results. Have I been keeping up with the routines? Nope! I start something and then I don't finish. It's like something hanging over me, most of my entire life concerning my weight.
*sigh*

So I decided to start recording myself, recording a blog about my weight loss.

This time...I'm not sure what's going to happen. I don't have anyone encouraging me to lose weight. It's me...all by myself. Right now, I don't have anything positive to say or anything uplifting.
I guess I just want to start feeling better and feeding my body healthier food.
I'll post videos on youtube.

Mary W